This week, along with Coronavirus, love is also in the air. Valentine’s week has just begun and since love is as important as god, it is necessary to have a set of rules or laws for this grand celebration. I’m no Moses, but here are 10 commandments that I’m sure will win popular choice award if nominated.
1. Thou shalt have no other person before BAE: Your love interest shall be your BAE (Before Anyone Else) this entire week and should be treated likewise. If you’re found texting/snapping with someone else in the presence of your BAE, they will have every right to check your phone. No excuses such as ‘Oh, she’s just a friend’ or ‘Hey, we only share memes sometimes’. If anyone texts, behave like Arnab Goswami when confronted by Kunal Kamra.
2. Thou shalt not bring up the past: Even though your gallery might be full of screenshots of what they said and your WhatsApp chat starred with claims they made, none of the past fights should be brought up during the Valentine’s week.
You would want to produce all the evidence when they claimed that they don’t want to eat anything and ended up devouring chicken leg piece after leg piece. But please refrain because love is not about winning; it’s mostly about whining.
3. Thou shalt not indulge in PDA: Please remember that no one appreciates watching unsolicited public display of affection or PDA. It’s no longer safe also. If someone sees your social media feed and reports the post to all those anti-Valentine squads, they’ll come and get you married without you even getting the time to choose a wedding hashtag for yourself.
4. Thou shalt not check up on ex: You might be tempted to check what your ex-lover is up to during the Valentine’s week. However, checking their social media feed can go either ways. If they’re miserable during this period, it might make your sadist soul feel good. But, if they are happy, you’ll end up spoiling your mood for the rest of the week. This also holds true for your partner and therefore, it is advisable to turn your house into Kashmir — take away the internet access so that no one gets lured.
5. Thou shalt not call everything the ‘BEST’: You might be overjoyed with the kind of love, attention received during the Valentine’s week and would fancy putting out appreciation stories. However, draw a line and avoid describing everything as the ‘Best Thing Ever’ to show your gratitude. Seriously, that handbag isn’t the best handbag ever, that mobile phone isn’t the best mobile phone ever and, no Karen, your 5th boyfriend this year isn’t the best boyfriend ever. I’ve milk cartons older than your relationship, so stop calling it the best relationship ever!
6. Thou shall not get too filmy: While it is fair to say that if there was no media, we wouldn’t have learnt about the expression of love, overkill should be avoided. Creating cheesy collage with random mix of pictures (old/new, landscape/portrait) and adding clichéd background Arijit Singh songs like Tum hi ho becomes cringe work than love art. Might as well make a TikTok video instead. Also, Valentine’s Day insta shoots should be avoided because you may think that your boyfriend looks like SRK with that come-into-my-arm action, but in reality he looks like a paedophile getting ready to pick up the next child. Don’t be that child.
7. Thou shall not be disloyal: It’s 2020 and there are several ways that your loyalty will be tested. Finishing a TV series you both started watching together alone is treated as betrayal. Cropping out your partner from profile picture without their permission is a breach of trust. Leaving your loved one’s texts unread is treason. Unless you want to spend the week in guilt, don’t commit these sins.
8. Thou shall not get pressurised: Valentine’s Day was stretched to become Valentine’s week and soon it’ll become Valentine’s month. The point is that most of these special days/weeks are social media gimmicks. Do not stress yourself or your partner just because others are doing it. If someone mocks you for not doing enough, tell them that they are overdoing it because they need to overcompensate. Also, spread random rumors about them like – ‘Hey, did you know that Karen’s boyfriend has philophobia? Also, he supports NAA/NRC’.
9. Thou shall not compare: You might see the social media feed of other people and compare your days/week/gifts with them. However, don’t judge a book by its cover. You don’t know their stories and therefore, you should make them up in your head to make yourself feel better. Karen was gifted an iPhone because her boyfriend is cheating. Mary and John are celebrating Valentine’s week in Maldives because they both sell drugs. See, it’s easier to cook up these stories than making comparisons.
10. Thou shall honour thy father and thy mother: If nothing works out for you, remember that February 14 is also celebrated as Parents’ Worship Day in India. You can go all out on social media and call out people who are busy with their loved ones while ignoring their parents. You can even post quotes from the movie Baghban and make others miserable. No guilt works like the Indian parents’ guilt.
That’s about it. I hope you have a great week and cupid hits you the way my pinky toe nail hits random surfaces. Happy Valentine’s Day!
